Archive | February, 2008


10 Feb

>I had a hard time sleeping last night because someone reminded me of my little angel who’s with Papa Jesus now.

It’s been two months now since I lost my child but the captures of that day are still here in my mind and heart. I may look alright because that what my art shows–colorful background, wacky pictures, a smile on my face, gigs everywhere, but mind you people, I hear and feel my heart cries whenever it remembers 12/13/2007.

Clueless?- It was in December when I was hospitalized due to miscarriage. I wasn’t aware that I was 3-month pregnant. I missed my period for two months but I didn’t mind because that wasn’t unusual since I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and one of its symptoms is the irregularity of menstrual period. So I didn’t even feel that I was conceiving a child. Here came the 2nd of December when I thought my period was on its way because of the spots of blood I saw. I just noticed that it wasn’t continuous and very weak not until 12/11, it was early in the morning and I needed to go to work so I took a bath, and found my blood was flowing real hard on the floor, then I thought that it was just a menstrual period that was really strong because of the missed periods I had, I continued and went to work. I was a bit awkward from that day to 12/12 because I observed that the blood was too strong, I had eight fully-soaked pads for each day. I also suffered from severe pain which was strange because I haven’t experienced dysmenorrhea yet. On 12/12, I was having lunch in the office when I felt harsh cramps inside my lower abdomen, so I went to the clinic to ask for a painkiller, the nurse gave me a 500-mg drug but it didn’t work, I bought myself a hot chocolate that I believed would make me a bit better but nothing happened too. I was sweating and couldn’t concentrate on my work. I went down again and grabbed a pineapple juice and it did nothing. I was crying while I was doing my work, the pain was killing me. My manager then pulled me out from what I was doing and we just did a few talks, which somehow worked. It was 6pm and everyone was ready to go home. My colleague Nikka and his boyfriend offered a ride, so I got in (thanks Nikka and Toying). When I arrived home, the pain subsided a bit, so I had dinner but didn’t enjoy the food. I told my mom what happened that day and as I continued my story, the pain was too excited to kill me and went back, so Mama gave me a very strong painkiller-(Tylenol), but it was knocked down by Mr. Pain =(. I was howling hard, tried many positions I could to relieve the pain but Mr. Pain was too harsh and loved me. It was 2:00a.m. of 12/13 and I couldn’t stand the pain, I saved my little energy left, got off the bed, and woke my mom up. I asked her to bring me to the hospital. She then asked my twin sister to bring me to the hospital because she couldn’t leave my Ate Loi who was sick too. So my twin brought me to the very near hospital (FEU-NRMF). I was brought directly to the emergency room. As usual, the nurses got my vital signs and interviewed me (Oh my golly, how could they interview a dying being!). The nurse then asked me to pee and that I needed to take a pregnancy test, when I asked why, she just answered “procedure lang po ma’am”, I and my twin sister laughed out loud (how could a dying person laugh?Ü). There are 3 doctors who transferred me to a separate room and asked me to lie down, they took turns and inserted their fingers in, pressed my abdomen too hard, and placed a steel in. They were discussing a few medical terms in front of me so I was just quiet not until I heard them talking about months and that pregnancy test was positive, my silence broke their meeting, I proactively asked what happened. Here’s what they answered (the words I won’t ever forget)->”buntis ka Jo Ann, 12-13 weeks pero nag passed out ka na, hindi mo ba alam?”. I didn’t answer back, my tears just rolled and filled the room. The pain I felt in my heart was too way strong than the pain I had inside my Child’s home =’(. My twin sister entered the room and asked what was happening, she made me answer back as I cried my feelings out. I asked her to call my mom and text my Dad. The doctors explained that they had to admit me for vaginal ultrasound and dilation and curettage (raspa). While we were waiting for my twin sister to come back, I and the doctors had a few talks. They asked me if my husband already knew what happened, I honestly told them that I am not yet married and was not even committed to someone (I and Mark-the father of my baby were already separated by that time). They just told me that Mark has to know what happened. The conversation broke when the nurse came in to put in my IV (dextrose). While the nurse was doing that, I held my cellular phone and decided to text Mark, and my tears fell down again. My sister came in and informed that she already got a room for me. I was transferred then, the room had a phone so I called my mom and asked her to bring the stuff I needed, and to make the conversation light she even cracked a joke. While waiting for the nurse to get my hospital kit, I received a text message from Mark, that message tore my heart, I held my womb closed and talked to my baby, I asked him/her to stay with me, and to be strong. I gave the phone number of the room to Mark, he then called. We were both crying, he asked for my forgiveness for everything he has done, I told him that I have forgiven him a long time ago, and that what happened to our baby was not his fault…no one wanted or planned it. He wanted to come and visit me to the hospital, and I agreed. My mom came then, and we talked, while we were talking, she received a text message from my dad. My dad wanted me to be transferred to a different hospital (Capitol Medical Center) because my doctors since birth are there, he was also hoping that the baby could be saved there. On 12/13 @ 10:00am, I was transferred to Capitol Med, and was brought directly to the delivery room, same questions were asked and same procedures were done. After a few hours, I was brought to the ultrasound room, I cried again when I saw the screenshot of my womb with my baby’s fragments left. My blood pressure went up to 160/100 so the dilation and curettage (raspa) process was placed on hold for a few more hours until my BP normalized. At around 7pm, I was brought to the operating room for my dilation and curettage, they gave me anesthesia shots but refused to sleep because I wanted to see my little angel. Thirty minutes had passed, the O.R nurse showed me a plastic bag wherein my little angel was. I couldn’t remember what happened next. I fell asleep in the recovery room and was transferred to my room. After a few hours, Mark came. He stayed with me the whole night. A day after, Mark got a warm water from the nurse station that I used for my bath, a few hours later my college friends and relatives visited me and brought me stuff. They made me strong (thanks guys!). I and my Dad talked over the phone, I cried again and asked for his forgiveness. He asked me to hear mass and pray for whatever happened.

I was sent home on 12/15. Mr. Pain subsided but the pain my heart will always be here. I still regret the times and chances I had to save my baby, when I missed my period, it was a chance for me to check and see what was happening but I didn’t mind. If only I could turn back the time, I’d be more than happy to do my very best to carry my child again.

I know that I will be able to move on in God’s own time, but forgetting this experience is really impossible. I know that He has better plans for me, and I am very sure that my child is with God now.

I thank my family, relatives, and friends for making me strong. They serve as my feet whenever I feel like falling down. I love you all guys.

*the doctors were looking at 3 factors why I had miscarriage. A) the type of work I have; B) the anti-influenza vaccine I had in October; C) my lifestyle (since I didn’t know I was pregnant, I was out every week for gimicks and had bottles of beer. =’( If only I knew.
* What happened to me is not a reason for I and Mark to be together again. I know that he’ll be a better person without me and I’ll be too. He will always be a part of me and that is for sure. Our relation as BF-GF lasted for almost 7 years and I will always look back to those years and memories. By the way, we’re good bestfriends now.
* My little angel, I know that you’re with Papa Jesus now. I am very sorry if I wasn’t able to carry and take care of you. We both know that I’d be very happy to have you in my life. I wasn’t able to see you alive but I felt your presence. If only I could save you and put you back, I’d do it no matter what. I know that you’re a real angel now, please look atfer me, your dad, our families, friends and loved ones. I love you so much and I know we’ll see each other in God’s time. Mommy LOVES you!


101% RIGHT AND 98.99% SURE

10 Feb

>2007 was really a learning year for me, I had so many experiences that made me strong and taught me to walk on the right path. I had pains that I thought I wouldn’t bear, my heart, mind, and body were all restless. I lost someone who’s a real angel now and, lost my little angel’s Dad who I loveD for several years. All of these made me really strong. They taught me to look at the bright side of what life can bring, these moments skilled my legs to stand up again and walk forward, they trained my brain to forget the past and move on. Finally, after a few months of struggling, I made it! Thanks to my family, friends and to the Man up above.

My Christmas and New Year 2007 went well. I started this year with a smile. I became more “back-to-normal” as days passed by.

Just this month, Mr. Past confronted me. He told me that he still loves me and if he would have another chance, he wouldn’t waste it and will ask me to marry him. I didn’t expect what my heart felt as I went through his text message…. my heart didn’t feel good about it. Unexpected, but I really didn’t feel happy, no butterflies, not even one….98.99% SURE.

I don’t like to be sure of what I am feeling right now, but I am assuming that I might have forgotten my feeling for him, I don’t know when but I know how. I don’t know if it’s real, but I know it’s RIGHT…. 101%.

If you’ll be able to read this message now. I just want to let you know that I will always care for you and love you AS A FRIEND. It could never be as before and we both know why. I thank you for all the good times.Ü